The dangers of modern dating

One way our electronic devices, particularly social media harm us is that we never get to feel boredom. We are constantly stimulated, constantly looking for the next hit. Therefore, we fetishize the newness, and never learn to appreciate what we have at the moment. This affects not only our various habits but, more importantly, our dating life.

When we feel bored with someone, or someone engages in a behaviour that “triggers” us, we quickly end things and move on the next person. Because we know that the next person is always there. If you go on online dating, the choices are endless. And deep down we know that there is always someone “better”. Someone better looking, somebody sexier, somebody more interesting, etc.

This is because we have excessively high expectations of how our dates should be, and therefore, we never learn to appreciate their imperfect side. We are often like “oh he said this and that was my red flag” “oh she did this and that made me uncomfortable”. Then we do the easiest thing, which is to jump to the next one. Because the “next person” will be perfect until the illusion is shattered again and the cycle repeats.

And let’s be honest, having too many choices hinders our capacity to tolerate the incompatibilities with our partner, which is the greatest obstacle to love. Alain De Botton, the British & Swiss philosopher said:

“Love is not about finding someone who is compatible with you in many ways, but love is rather finding someone who is willing to negotiate the incompatibilities with laughter, humor and kindness.”

To develop the capacity to negotiate our partners’ incompatibilities with kindness and humor, we have to start by being curious with ourselves before we react and quickly write off that person. And we must come to terms with the fact that genuine love demands sacrifice. As the great Rumi stated centuries ago:

“Gamble everything for love if you’re true human being, if not leave this gathering”.

If we want love, we have to be willing to gamble everything, that includes the endless choices of potential mates, and deciding that we will try our chances with this person.